Peter Hone a life through the eyes of an ex-drunk

Why do we criticize?

2012-02-05T03:40:00.000-08:00

Why do we criticise...or is it criticize ;-)

I have been known to do a fair bit of criticising myself in my life and aimed at all sorts of people, places and things!
Generally I find myself criticising when I am not spirtually comfortable with myself and surroundings....whether I am criticising a person, place or thing.
I am not comfortable when I am in this state of mind as instead of addressing any issues I have at the time.....the habit I got into was to criticise! The easier, softer way...rather than addressing the uncomfortable issues niggling my mind??
Constructive criticism is acceptable in my work role as it helps progress all concerned, even the critic, but the main thing is criticism must me constructive and done face to face and never behind someone's back?

I have been guilty in the past of being jealous of someone and instead of wishing them well and being happy for them....which I now want for everyone..most of the time
;-) ....what I do is criticise them to hide my jealousy or insecurity.....sad eh, wasted efforts and energies, that could be spent in a more positive way!

So unlike the picture above, I try not to have a locked mind and locking the thoughts on others when I should really be looking at myself and helping others....rather than helping myself and looking at others!
The picture above was taken in Seoul, South Korea.....another country visited in a sober state by this old Ex-Drunk....now thats progress!
Constructive criticism will always be published....possibly edited for language!

Mixed News....

2011-12-20T19:12:00.000-08:00

Mixed news

Mixed news….yes, I have been unableto write on the blog for a while as it appears to be banned in China, not personallymy blog, but the whole blogger thing….not sure if it is a good idea or not?

Currently I am working in Dalian,North East China….very cold this time of year, Freezing to be precise!

I had the chance to spend my 23rd AAbirthday in Singapore on route from Saudi…I managed 2 nights at home and thenhad to fly here and will be stuck here until 18 January.

The other news is I am going to getmarried in May….never thought it would happen again and was not sure if Iwanted it again after the mess I made of the last one….but I cannot see failureas chance to give up?

I have written before, I have a greatrelationship with my partner…very open, very honest and no mind games at all.We have had no issues over the course of time we have known each other and havenever had a crossed word and as an old mate says 'what is there to fall outabout?' and so far that is true for us.

On the other side of the relationshipfront….we are working in shipyard having been asked to come and help out…but inreal terms the project team feel we are here to prove they are no use! To say this is a difficult situation would bean understatement and one of the hardest situations I have had to deal with inmy working career!

Truth be known, at times I wanted togive up and go home, as nothing appeared to be working but we kept battling onand it ground to a halt and all the cards were laid on the table and hopefullyit is resolved…..watch this space!

Basically all the relationshipproblems I have seen and been part of and caused boil down to ….INSECURITY! Outof that stems control, manipulation, selfishness etc??

Getting to know yourself is part ofthe problem, finding out all your defects, insecurities…then getting a beliefin something, using the faith to rid yourself of these insecurities? It is bloodyhard, but hopefully I have managed to get rid of a few…..

The picture above says it all…..butwe need to feel this for everyone on the planet….even those we think we don’t like,those that annoy us, want to control us! That bit is the hardest!

Dealing with Death.....and Divorce!

2011-10-27T06:04:00.000-07:00

Dealing with death and divorce....surely not all in the same sentence and how are they related you may wonder?
Well, I recently lost my Step-father and had to travel to the UK for the funeral etc and shortly after coming back was told my divorce is now complete...so there you have it!
In realism, they are situations we may all have to deal with, especially the death part and many of us will not go through the divorce bit.....but currently I feel rates are higher than ever?
Personally the divorce was my choice, so I am not able to say how I would feel if it was the other way round, but my feelings through this whole saga have never really changed. I should have never gotten married as it was an unhealthy relationship and I thought I knew it all, but in reality was so very insecure....not ideal for relationship building!
Once I started to recover with the program I knew it was just a matter of time before the inevitable happened....and it did and it was my choice as I say....possibly did not handle it 100% correctly, but there is no manual on this eh? I made mistakes and hopefully have learned from them...
As far as the death goes....it was hard, expected at the end, but still a shock and made a touch harder by being asked to say a few words at the funeral....
Death is something we all will have to deal with....some handle it differently from others, but for me I try and focus on the good side of the person who has gone...the good times I had with them etc.....and it seems to work for me....and I am not embarrassed to shed tears...that's nature and I do not worry what people think of me anymore whether I am crying or laughing....

Whilst in the UK....I got to see some other family and took the picture above in Kingston, Surrey.
It got me thinking.....someone see's it as art, others see it as a lot of phone boxes lying on each other......the main thing is we let others have their own views and don't try and control their views with ours??? This principle for me is one I can try to use in all aspects in life....not just art!

Spirituality.....what is it?

2011-09-07T21:52:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking recently about what is meant by spiritual, spirituality etc as over the years I have heard so much and so many differing theories and examples of spiritual living.....
I took the next quote from a site I look at from time to time and for me it says so much;

'Is this perhaps because we spend most of our waking hours concerned with the everyday things of our external world? But the spiritual growth of our inner deeper self also needs attention. This spiritual side to our character is truly amazing but sometimes spiritual living and personal spiritual growth seem to involve just a maze of confusing pathways. This lack of spiritual direction impedes our spiritual life and growth and healing, so we need new guidance and counselling to continue our spiritual journey.'

Wow....for me that statement says so much and the part about confusing pathways is just awesome....as I have been on so many pathways in my life before and after sobriety and the lack of spiritual direction as it states has impeded my own spiritual growth!
I need to learn to look within me and the work outside of me and be of use to others and be grateful for what others do for me...
Last night saw a profound change in my thinking as I waited for a lift to a meeting in Saudi and the guy was late....usually starting my critical thinking when people are late, but this time I was grateful just to get to the meeting.....WOW, where did that come from...Practice I suppose? I am not sure it will work every time though!
The main part of spiritual living for me is to do unto others as I would have them do to me.....so if I am arrogant, selfish etc....obviously I am not fit spiritually and for this alcoholic....they are danger signs!

On a different subject, recently I have been to so many meetings where they are talking about subjects such as divorce, shopping trips, holidays but rarely have I hear issues like...'the thoughts prior to taking the first drink'.....'what is an alcoholic'....so is it wrong of me to think like this? I thought we should go to AA to pass and receive the message, the 12 steps and all other stuff can be discussed with a sponsor or friends after the meeting during the 'fellowship'??
Like the picture above.....AA is a long path and often not as straight as the one in the picture!

How do you become a nice person???

2011-08-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

How do you become a nice person? Strange question?

I have been working in the Gulf of Mexico and arrived in New Orleans and have had the chance to meet so many 'nice' and polite people.....that's why I asked the question...'how do you become a nice person'?

I have met so many polite people here, well mannered, nice people and my curiosity has got the better of me....is it a religious upbringing, is it strict parents,is it freedom or is it in the genes as they say...

I have always wanted to aspire to be a nice person...not a rocket scientist, not a millionaire (although that would be great too!), but after I got sober I just wanted to be a nice person.....

How difficult is it to be a nice person? Why do we fight against it? Why do some peoplefind being nice easier than others??

My own views are that it all depends on the amount of spiritual sickness we are suffering from....so hence the more spiritually sick we are the harder or less naturally nice we are as poeple.

So quite possibly, if we are not corrupted as children by society, materialism, bigotry, narrow-mindedness etc we will have a better chance of possibly becoming 'nice' people?

I need to keep working on my spiritual recovery as I have seen some powerful examples of 'nice' people out here and the planet would be a whole letter better if we all did the same thing?

I can still enjoys the views as in the picture above, on my travels, practicing to become a nicer person....hopefully!

Back to basics.....

2011-07-11T00:40:00.000-07:00

As I come to the end of my trip here in Saudi Arabia (via a two week trip to Kurdistan),I must say I am looking forward to getting to some AA meetings when I get home to Singapore....
I am constantly looking at myself and my sobriety and asking myself, what can I do to keep it....any improvement is great, but keeping sobriety is the first thing!
I have been to meetings in Saudi whilst I have been here and will go again if I come back, but I feel I can do more at home, more in a physical sense. I can meet other members for a coffee or just for a chat if and when required.
Nearly 23 years sober I am also realising getting back to basics is what I need to be doing and by that I mean; Getting to meetings, passing the message,helping others, getting a sponsee....not loads to feed my ego though ;-)....set the room up and maybe take up another bit of service which suits my work schedule......and is fair on the people of AA, so that I don't take on a job I cannot complete regularly.
Hopefully the stressfull times of my impending divorce are coming to an end soon and I can get back to basics with that part of my life too, by just trying to be myself inthe new relationship and not allowing myself to control or be controlled....which leads to resentment......which for us alkies....is a big danger!
So for now I will charge up the old Ipod and listen to some AA stuff on the plane...which I have not done for ages

Then maybe I can spend a bit of time getting back to basics with the new family I have and also hopefully a visit to see my son.....and just watch him skateboarding ....as much as I hate it ;-)
So....back to basics it is then!

Contempt prior to investigation......

2011-06-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

There is a quote from philosopher Herbert Spencer....
“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation” and over the last few weeks several people have made comments to me because of a place I was going to work....which this saying applied to!
I was asked to carry out some work in Kurdistan, Northern Iraq and so many people said "what!!"...."why you want to work there"......"where next Helmand or Mosul"
I had no problems in saying yes to going and had a good time when I was there, carried out the work and would definately go back.
Obviously the contemp prior to investigation applies to all walks of life and especially our own 12 step program...many people say "I am not doing that', "i don't need them 12 steps" and mostly before they actually try it!
My own experience is that I had a lot of this contempt prior to investigation due to having a narrow and closed mind, but the more I got into the program, the more my mind opened and the less contempt prior to investigation.....

I much prefer to have the open mind ( not such a closed mind then!)...and be able to see the views above, rather than just dismiss it and not get the chance to see the beauty we are surrounded by! So I intend to keep trying to work the program and eventually open this mind some more....hopefully!

Meetings around the world....same illness, same people........same message??

2011-06-01T00:21:00.000-07:00

As a person who travels regularly (and is forever grateful sobriety allows me to do this!), I am fortunate enough to get meetings in different regions, different countries etc..
Many years ago in Cairo, Egypt, I heard a young Egyptian recovering alcoholic talking about how he thought he was different from his sisters...how they were good looking, his nose was bigger, his ears were not level.....I thought the wee guy had been listening to my story and copying it, it was that similar.
I then woke up and realised how in truth....we are all the same in alcoholism as regards our insecurities and our illness and it does not matter whether we live in Egypt or England!
So if we are all similar in our illness, it makes perfect sense that our recovery should be along the same lines too???

I was recently in Saudi Arabia (where the photo is from) and a guy said something that really grabbed my attention....he said that he was confused by the variation of 'the message' and also confused at different AA groups trying to prove they had the 'best message'.....WOW, it blew me away.
Where are we going wrong? Are our ego's taking over the program? Why are we not concentrating on the message, the simple 12 step message that will help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety by finding a higher power? Why has it got to be the best? Have we moved into an era where we need to sell this program with bells on??
I would love to hear other opinions on this....
It frightens me to think we are over selling the program, over complicating it and the bottom line is.....Alcoholics may die if we continue to do so??

Positive people.....the power of them!

2011-05-15T03:26:00.000-07:00

I have just had a week working in a place that is described generally as negative and dangerous....Nigeria...
Before I left I was concerned about what I had heard and what was the general conception of the country and it's security. Yes, obviously it has its problems and issues, but what country doesn't?
On arrival I met up with some of the guys I was to work alongside and who were there to help me and boy.....their positive attitudes really made the trip enjoyable and one of the better working weeks I have spent anywhere I can safely say!
In AA there is talk of 'sticking with the winners' and the like...keeping away from people who will affect your sobriety and I can see where it comes from and what they mean...but I am hoping they don't mean it literally...to leave the negative people alone!
I have been known and still can be a bit negative, but have dramatically changed over the years, but positive people stuck out their hand for me and helped me....rather than keeping away, so I feel I would like to do the same and cannot be so selfish as to leave them all alone.....in case they affect my sobriety.
What would have happened if the people who so much helped me would hav 'stuck with the winners' and left me alone.....I hate to think where I would be now...

Things generally get back to normal....when we leave them alone!!

2011-05-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

It never suprises me, no matter how long I am sober that if I leave things alone and don't start running the whole show myself.....eventually (in God's time), things will work themselves out!
The result may not be in my time or might not be the result I wanted but inevitably it will be ok....
After a torrid few months in my own life and probably the toughest I can remember for a few years....I now find things are getting back to normal, but only after I let go and stopped trying to hang on in there and run the whole show....
I was in a job that I hated and was actually very miserable for a long time and started to complain so much to the company they got fed up and things came to a head....and even then, when I knew I would be better off away from them....I fought them, trying to prove I was right.....for what????
The more I fought them, the more pain I got...and as soon as I gave up the fight the better I felt.....
There is a difference from standing up for your rights than from being just a pain in the arse!
At the end of the day my financial insecurity drove me to fight them and I can see that now....and I can also see how many days I wasted trying to fight them....!!
Obviously there was other stuff going on, but using the same principles there...things are returning to normal and I can say...in all cases it is not the result I wanted, but I have accepted all the results and moved on....and feel much better for it!

Like the picture above....the sun will always set, sometimes not as we like, but it will always set, but we need to be in fit spiritual condition to see the best in every situation!

We have ceased fighting.....or have we??

2011-04-21T04:47:00.000-07:00

There is a statement in the Big Book of AA states 'we have ceased fighting anyone or anything'.....and it is so important in the search for a peaceful life with a higher power (God) running the show!
I was one of those people who carried the message with so much passion that I got annoyed when people did not want the AA message, the program of recovery until someone told me to remember the bit ' we have ceased fighting....'.
Wow, how much peace we can get from that statement!
Recently I have been going through a messy divorce and disciplinary hearings at work and there have been days that have been so tough....and why...because I forgot the bit that states 'we have ceased fighting......' and let go of the faith and started fighting th whole thing myself and after a few heavy days....I gave up fighting and returned to the way of faith and I can honestly say, it is a much more comfortable way to live! I might be worse off financially, but emotionally and sprititually,giving up the fight is the only way!

The picture above is of Vivienne my girlfriend bottle feeding a blind lamb on a recent trip to Wales and the farmer's instructions were 'don't fight...she will come to you'.....how true he was!
When I apply 'we have ceased fighting...' to my own life then things get much better!

Real friends....what are they, who are they?

2011-04-09T06:05:00.000-07:00

Going through a tough time personally right now gives me thought to write about the meaning of true friends, not to judge, just to highlight my own views...
I was told once by a guy I knew who was a 'lifer', that is he had done life in prison for murdering his own brother in a blackout, that he had learnt that he had different levels of friends and put them in the following categories;
1) People who he would nod at in the street and a knowledge their existence and vice versa.
2) People who he would stop and say 'hello' to and not much else.
3) People who he would stop and say 'hello, the weather is ok, how's your wife?'
4) People who he would stop and have a conversation with about general stuff..
5) People he would be able to discuss many things with, but not tell all so to speak.
6) True friends who he could bare his soul to and they would not judge, but just give an honest view or answer. People who would always be there, through thick and thin and be supportive in whatever way possible, but never just telling us what we want to hear.
I can understand his views and see my own opinions as similar and can safely say I have more people in category 1 than I do in category 6.......many, many times more and can say apart from my family, probably have only one or maybe two in the last category and think I am very lucky to have those and probably the average person will be lucky to get similar over a life time?
Why do we make it so hard for ourselves, why do we not have more friends in category number 6? I think maybe a lack of faith, lack of trust?

Like the photograph above some of us may only ever have a dog as our best friend, so we should really work hard to keep the good one's we have eh? Not that there would anything wrong having this wee fella as a best friend ;-)

Seeking professional help....

2011-03-28T04:57:00.000-07:00

I have heard so much about seeking professional help after we get sober.
In AA there are many peope who think they are doctors, counsellors, debt advisors and marriage guidance counsellors to name just a few....
I personally have been given advice by people on issues related to my marriage, children, jobs and employers and financial matters and I must add probably by people who were ill advised to give advice. Fortunately I knew enough at the time to keep AA for alcoholism and politely ignore any advice that was ill advised.
I have heard people tell others to stop taking anti-depressants without being trained in medicine or psychiatry....dangerous stuff eh?
The reason I write today is I have just had a meeting with a psychiatrist as I felt it necessary to go to see him to get some issues I have resolved.
I felt the issues were too deep for AA and knew a professional would see it clearly and unbiased and tell me the truth.
I have sponsored many people in AA and try never to give advice, only talk about my experiences and the results of my actions, so the sponsee can find similarities.

The picture above is just a lovely flower, but we can all have differing opinions and thoughts on something as simple as a flower, so when we get to more complicated matters like other peopes marriages, financial and family issues....we should keep our opinions to ourselves??
I have found there are certain ways to help people and giving them false information is not one of them.....pass on your experiences where necessary and have the humility to say you have not experienced something when you need to also!

Some of us humans have really f..ked up eh?

2011-03-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

I have said before I take inspiration from all sorts of people, all sorts of places and all sorts of situations and yesterday someone said something and it gave me so much hope....it was quite amazing,thanks.
The guy said the words that are the title of this particular episode and apologies for the language, but it's written as it came out from the guy.....and is so true.
At this moment in time I am going through a nasty divorce and a troubled time at my workplace (where I spend 6 monthsa year of my life!) and was struggling to find the spirituality within it all.....try and act out the positives, think positive....bloody hard but I battle on...
I was looking for a picture of me and famous football player yesterday to show the person in question, but after looking on my laptop for a while could not see it, but came across the picture of the girl below....and I have posted one on here before of the same tribe.
The picture below is of a Hmong tribe young girl from the mountains in Laos...and I went on to tell the guy that she was so happy, along with the rest of her family and friends...doing simple things and not caught up in 'our materialistic society' and his reply was 'some of us humans have really f..ked up eh?' and I got hope as he knew she had peace and contentment in her heart and many of us do not as we continue to strive for bigger and better and more of everything.....and for what? Sorry I cannot answer that, but wish I could....

Her face is a picture and her smile says it all...
How many of us can say we have the peace and contentment that she has got???
I for one...try and fail as I continually get caught up in this selfish, materialistic society, where we think sending a few quid now and again to the poor people is enough.....well for me it's not and I need to do better.

Is Alcoholism a mental illness...?

2011-03-08T16:40:00.000-08:00

Can alcoholism be classed as a mental illness?
I am not a doctor or a medical professional of any sort, but all I can do is give my views on my own experience.
I think it is accepted excess alcohol and drugs can have adverse effects such as depression, paranoia, anxiety and possibly many other long term effects.
From my own experience, anyone who can drink constantly, get drunk, cause harm to themselves and others, steal money to fund their drinking, tell lies constantly to cover up their drinking, suffer from panic attacks.....and then repeat the whole cycle over and over constantly....knowing the consequences, must have some sort of mental illness.....as surely no-one with a healthy mind would continue to live like that???
When I first went to AA and read a bit and listened to people describing alcoholism as a three fold illness; mental, physical and spiritual....I agreed with two of them but not the mental bit.....even though I did not know what any of them meant.....sad and narrow minded eh???
I went on to find out that the mental part was a mental obsession for alcohol, that told my head it was ok to drink, no matter what damage and havoc had been caused previously....so yes I had the mental part of the illness....which then set up the physical allergy and then the spirtual malady, which I will speak about another time.
The reason for my refusal to believe I suffered from alcoholism and also the mental side of the illness......Stigma...what people would think of me and how crazy is that....having an illness that I could get treatment for and recover from and then worry about what people would think of me.....that in itself is a mental illness surely???
I always wanted to be normal.....and having some form of mental illness with stigma attached would not allow me to be 'normal'......then some spiritually well person said to me ' becoming happy with yourself, with who you are is more important than anything' and he followed up by saying 'normal was......a setting on a washing machine!!!' and I would rather be myself today than a setting on a washing machine!!!

So today I know people maybe care for me, but others are not really interested in what I am doing....some maybe nosey, but generally people are too busy going about their business to worry about what I am doing....like the picture above, all going about their daily routine and probably did not even notice I took the picture...so why should I worry what they think about me being an alcoholic....and today I try hard not to and actually love being myself...it's a great life!

What positive actions am I taking today....

2011-03-03T12:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get thoughts that just enter my head and I have no idea why....obviously someone (God) has an idea, but in AA they do say more will be revealed as we get closer to a higher power (God).....
I have accepted that, being myself and being an alcoholic I am not the most positive of people naturally and in fact can be negative and cynical quite a lot of the time....unless I fight against it!
                I have just arrived in Ghana for a work based trip and had an uncomfortable experience at the airport on arrival and was held by customs for 5 hours....not a nice place to be held and definately not after a very long flight!
Did I handle it in a positive manner, were my actions positive? Well I can say honestly I tried my best, although I did call my company and lay the blame at their door....
Did blaming them help? Justified or not I do believe it did not help me at the time, but I felt they needed to understand how I felt.
I did try to diffuse the situation with positive action by asking the Ghanaian customs officers about football and other small talk.....
              I was told I was flying in the morning to the workplace, but then in the morning was told the flight was full and had to take a bus journey for 4+ hours from the capital to the heliport and I fought hard against the negative thoughts of the journey being long and arduous....and WOW how much I loved it, maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but by trying to change my negative thoughts to positive action it turned out to be a very eye opening journey!!
            A bus journey through some poor villages and where a few hours earlier I had been feeling sorry for myself, I got to see people who would have given anything to be in my position.....regardless of my minor issues!!!! God has a plan for me and great sense of timing and today I can see it in action....awesome!

I got the chance to give the little girl in the picture one dollar and the smile on her face just melted my heart and put my issues into context....not a great deal of money to give, but a positive action with no motive and I felt the rewards in my heart and soul.
On arriving at work I was still a bit miffed about the customs episode and the thought came to me 'What positive actions are you taking today Peter'?......and I had to smile as that thought did not come from me!
Positive actions from me give me so many rewards.....why do I not do more!

The really important things in life.....

2011-02-22T03:36:00.000-08:00

I have just listened to someone (an ex hostage) on the TV talk about the really important things in life....which they class as their family and close friends who never gave up on them.
Strange that the important things in life can be so different for so many different people eh?
For and alcoholic (performing), the really important things in life are....'where is the next drink coming from'? Obviously if the family are providing a means to get money then they will be next on the list of important things ;-)
When I was drinking as above, my most important thing in life was the same....where my next drink was coming from regardless of who paid for it....but if you paid for it, you were a friend of mine and if you were easy to cheat or con the you were very high on the list of important things.
For some people, food and water, some things most of us take for granted are the really important things in life and some of us that get to take these for granted do not even realise how lucky we are that we are able to get regular food and water and that the important things for us are not life preservers!
Obviously after I got sober my ideas of the important things in life have changed...several times!
Early in my sobriety, the first few weeks and months the really important things for me were when were the panic attacks going to stop and what was I going to do with my life now I did not drink anymore.......very narrow minded, but they were most important issues to me.
After a few years and taking for granted the fact I could go to sleep in a dry bed and having no panic attacks, the things that became important to me were money and possessions.....sad but true as I though money would make me happy. I had to learn the hard way and felt miserable and sober for many years....
After working hard over the past few years the important things for me have changed again and now the most important thing in my life is my sobriety as without that I have nothing and with sobriety I can appreciate my family who are very important to me and over the years have been used and abused by me.

We start out life as small babies and grow to children and then adults and hopefully when we get to a certain point in our recovery people get to see the real 'us', and hopefully the positive shines through like the flower above in full bloom in the prime of it's life.

AA and the 'drug addict' word....

2011-02-14T01:28:00.000-08:00

I go to quite a few meetings and meet with quite a few recovering alcoholics and the Alcoholic/Addict issue is often a controversial issue....but why?
How many times have you heard 'please keep your share to alcoholism'?
Do you find it a narrow minded statement bearing in mind many of today's alcoholics have suffered from drug addiction also or do you think it works and keeps AA for alcoholics?
My own views are maybe a bit controversial, but AA is as it says to help people recover from alcoholism and if you stop people mentioning the fact they are 'addicts' and talking about their drug use....we need to stop people talking about other non relevant stuff as well....as many people talk about all sorts of stuff not relevant to recovery from Alcoholism!
I get fed up of hearing people talking about shopping trips, holidays abroad, buying new cars, queuing issues in supermarkets and we can add to the list ad infinitum as the saying goes ;-)
If a newcomer walks into the room, they are surely not wanting to hear all the therapy talk....how people pissed us off during the day bla bla bla.....surely it would be better to hear how to recover from alcoholism, what is an alcoholic and some positive slants that life can be managed a day at a time???
So for me....yes drug talk can be a bit annoying at an AA meeting, but the same goes with other non recovery discussion....surely we all need to look at ourselves and see if we are doing a decent job for the newcomer?

The picture above is similar to AA as on the outside it looks ok, somewhat nice, but inside there is a wealth of beauty and knowledge and we need to help these newcomers to get it!

When do we learn....'we don't know it all'!!

2011-02-04T22:47:00.000-08:00

I really thought I knew it all....from a young age too and then carried it on into later life as well...even into sobriety...
What is it about some of us that think we know it all? Where does it stem from? Why do we hate to change it....or realistically why do we hate to change anything within ourselves??
If someone asked me a question or made a statement to me...I generally replied 'I know'!.....when in truth what I was really saying is..'I am not interested in what you are saying....as it does not involve me' ??? Maybe nearer the truth?
As a young child at school I was asked by the teacher at a swimming class...'who knows how to swim?' and my normal answer came and I said 'I know, miss'. The teacher then said, 'show us Peter, Jump in', so I jumped in and you guessed it....I didn't know and nearly drowned, but luckily the teacher had an idea and jumped in and got me out!
Insecurity told me to say this stuff, so I would not feel insecure and by saying 'I know' all the time, I thought..if I sounded as if I knew everything, then others would see me as special, important and not a nobody!
After being in AA for about 8 years and doing it 'my way' because I knew it all....I was absolutely mad, unhappy, discontent....all the stuff with the help of the program I would have learn to deal with...so I looked out in AA for a decent recovery meeting and I found it.
The meeting had several tables for different parts of the Big Book...the problem table, solution table...etc and they suggested if you were a newcomer to the fellowship or even a newcomer to this type of meeting...that you should sit at the first table and find out about the problem you suffer from and for a normal person...great advice, but for this guy who knew it all, where do you think I sat for the first few months....at the 'family afterwards' table......WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN...;-)
Luckily enough I stayed long enough in that meeting to get a decent sponsor and get this program into my life and today I do understand and have learnt, that NO-ONE KNOWS IT ALL....EVEN IF THEY THINK THEY DO!!!
Humility in the program teaches us to admit when we are wrong and also say 'I don't know'....rather than 'I know'....if we really don't know!
Learn to accept we all make mistakes and learn from them rather than trying to lie about them!

As you can see from the picture above....some of our mistakes are caught on camera ;-)

How do I know if I have a drink problem??

2011-01-16T04:09:00.000-08:00

Firstly I would say, if you are thinking along the lines that you may have a problem...then you probably have!
There is a difference with someone that thinks he/she has a problem and an alcoholic, but realistically the line is thin and we need to find out if we are a problem drinker or an alcoholic!
If you want to find out if you are an alcoholic, you should go to AA and ask some questions...go to a few meetings and see if you can identify with the way the recovering alcoholics drank, the way they felt and the way they thought etc...
Then get straight into the Big Book of AA and find out the 5 types of Alcoholic they talk about and read about Bill W and see if you can identify with any of them....if you can...just maybe you are an alcoholic??
On the practical side, there are people who have a suffered a drink problem, but are not alcoholics, maybe they insult someone whilst drunk, maybe they make a pass to a work colleague and regret it later....
Usually and in my experience the shock of waking up and realising what they have done will usually keep the guy that just has a small problem with drink....on the wagon for a while...
There are also people in AA that are not alcoholics...strange statement, but unfortunately true...maybe they stay because they are lonely, maybe they feel safe, maybe they like the fellowship.....but they do exist...
But the real alcoholic comes in various shapes and forms as described in the Big Book of AA....we are not all the same, but we have the same problem!
In short I got to a point where I became alcoholic....I needed alcohol. I could not take one drink, or even a couple of drinks as after the first one all my choices disappeared as the alcohol had such an effect on me...all I wanted was MORE!!
Then the next...or the 'morning after' when I felt a bit embarrassed or remorseful...the thought automatically came to me to take a drink....and then the whole thing would start again....
I was the type of alcoholic that drank as long as I had money and when I had no money I was restless, irritable and discontent and generally stayed that way until the drink passed my lips again....
Looking back, I begged, stole, borrowed and cheated and told lies to get money for drink, so I can see now I was an alcoholic long before I got into AA.
When I got into AA I got carried away with the friendship and fellowship part of it and never really found out what an alcoholic was or the best bit, how to recover!
Thankfully after some years of pain I did manage to learn about the illness I was suffering from and now lead a fairly normal, happy and contented life!

Christmas and New Year.....and Parties in general...

2011-01-04T12:49:00.000-08:00

Firstly, Happy New Year and I hope anyone reading this had a safe and sober and of course...enjoyable time over the festive period.
Personally I think too much focus is put on this time of year for the recovering alcoholics  amongst us....and I dont mean that in a glib sort of manner....I have recovered bla bla sort of thing....not at all, but I just think we should look at the positive side of these occasions, by looking at the fact we could go and enjoy ourselves at these occasions and also realise that if we do choose to skip the party....it will still go on, we are not the centre of the universe!
In my experience for what it is worth....I did it all wrong at the start of my sobriety journey.....and paid the price as I was miserable at many parties!
I got sober in November 1998 and Christmas came soon after and I was totally miserable and my childish attitude actually affected other peoples enjoyment of Christmas....how bloody selfish is that!
The main reason being....I had stopped drinking and thats it...done nothing else and for an alcoholic thats not enough!
I needed to find out if I was an alcoholic or not....and where to find that out? In AA with the help of a sponsor and the Big Book of AA, b ut where did I choose to go....to the bars, pubs and parties and did I get the answer there.....OF COURSE NOT!
I got remarks like....we are fed of you being miserable...why don't you get a drink(obviously they were willing to take the repercussions rather than see me miserable!!)
            Had I gone straight into AA and got on with the sponsor and steps bit...I would have known I was an alcoholic and had an physical allergy and mental obsession.....and a party, bar, disco etc would be the last place to be for someone having just found that out about themselves!!!
The word allergy has been disected and proved and disproved by all sorts of people, but I use it as it is a term that ties in with my own alcoholism and recovery....
When I took drink, I wanted more...even though I did rediculous things, destroyed relationships.....and after I took one I could not stop....so it works for me, the mental obsession told me prior to taking the drink it would be ok and after I took it, the allergy kicked in!
I spoke to a guy the other day who said he was greedy with drink, but spoiled family days etc and had no control....I told him 'if you got sick every time you had fish'....'would you continue eating it and would you keep going to the fish shop!'
           I have seen different people at different stages of sobriety handle situations differently and there really is no excuses for me....if I want to drink, I dont need a party or a Christmas holiday to drink!
A newcomer to sobriety had to attend a 25th Wedding anniversary (as he was best man at the original wedding) and it would have been a bit rude not to attend....so he asked me what to do....I said to take a phone and nip out and call someone if if felt under pressure...or make an excuse and leave when the celebration hits the heavy drinking stage, or ask to take a friend.....he took the last option and I went along as moral support and he handled it ok....
In my own experience I have worked very hard and with a lot of practice I can go to these occasions now and enjoy myself, instead of spoiling the party I can try and take something to it!

The picture above was taken of me dancing at a wedding, where I was asked to be best man.....and take it from me I need to practice my dancing as well as practicing to stay sober ;-)

Progress....rather than perfection!

2010-12-13T18:06:00.000-08:00

Whilst I was drinking I never achieved anything worth noting as I was pretty selfish, self centered and also addicted to alcohol.
My life was taken up with the obsession to get alcohol, whether it be drinking it, stealing it, planning ways to get it, planning lies to get money to get it, so obviously alcohol was my master, my main ambition so to speak.
After stopping drinking my main ambition was to not drink and try and live with all the fears I had!
Once I got rid of a few of the major fears I had, my ambition was to get a girlfriend and then a wife and kids etc...
After going a through a divorce many years later, my ambitions have changed again and now I just want to stay sober and take whatever comes my way and be grateful in doing so.
I heard often in AA that is was progress and not perfection and I had a real issue with perfection in early sobriety....I thought everyone had to be perfect and was not allowed to have any flaws or make any mistakes....totally forgetting I had flaws and made many mistakes!
I sacked sponsors, sponsees and argued with people at work and people in my social life because they did not meet my perfection standards! How sick and attitude was that and no wonder I was so unhappy!
I now realise that progress is a wonderful thing and spiritually fulfilling and much more realistic and achievable and I also realise no-one is perfect!

If I stay still and do not try to continue to make progress I become stale and complacent and I have to accept the consequences that come along with that!
I also realise it is not important how quick I make progress, but I benefit from making progress so it is better to make a little rather than none at all and like the the traffic in the picture above I need to keep moving(working) on myself!

A month since writing.....

2010-11-13T20:09:00.000-08:00

Wow....over a month since I wrote on this blog, so have I been busy? I must be honest and say no....and have also dropped the meetings a little bit too.....bad boy eh? I don't think so but others might...;-)
I have heard so many sayings over the years in AA and one of them is ' 7 days away from AA makes one weak', so what are they really saying??
Are they saying if you don't go to AA at least once a week, you will become weak and maybe get drunk?
I think they are hinting at it, yes, but I have never seen anything like that written in the Big Book of AA....
What about people like me that work offshore for 4 weeks at a time, are we going to get drunk as soon as we get off the rig???
It has been my experience that AA, like religion has been tinkered with by humans who add their own interpretation of what they think and come out with little sayings like the one above!!!
I have a program from AA which allows me to stay sober throughout anything, sobriety is normal for me today, a fundamental way of life, gained from finding a higher power and not running the show myself.
The program shows me that I am able to go without meetings for periods of time and stay sober, although I know part of helping me to stay sober comes from a lack of selfishness which includes passing the message of AA and working with others in AA, so I cannot stay away too long!!!

Working with others in AA does not have to mean sitting and passing to guru type message all the time so they all stay sober, but can be as simple as giving someone your time over a simple cup of coffee :-)

How to live with and handle negative situations?

2010-10-01T00:12:00.000-07:00

We all have some negative situations that arise in our daily lives, don't we?
How do we handle these situations or how do we live with them?

What do we class as negative? Something that is not productive or not positive for our lives? Illness, divorce, death, bankruptcy and we can add to the list...
              Very early in sobriety I spoke to a guy who was dying from HIV and actually had at the time I spoke to him about 2 weeks to live!
I was going about how selfish I was after arguing with a girlfriend and he looked at the whole situation and explained a few things to me, but the most powerful thing he said wasd that you would have nothing if you did not have PMA....POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE!
That statement came from a guy that knew his death was near and he still had time to talk to me about my problems and issues.....how positive and unselfish is that!
             Nowadays I need to try and change these negative situations in positive ones and struggle hard to find the positive in all of my negative situations.....sometimes it really pushes my faith, but as I say often it is no use having a faith and not using it!
I am going through a messy divorce and am trying hard to remain positive and I know it is for the best for all, although I am struggling to see the positive side of a divorce lawyer ;-)
            I think early on in sobriety I struggled with the negativity of my emotional problems and had no idea that working with others, acting in a less selfish manner would ease my problems and the same can be true of many of my problems today.

I love to hear positive stories where people handle negative situations in a positive manner and we can all learn from them...
Sometimes like the picture above I feel as if I am surrounded by black clouds, but if I look really hard there is some positive light on the horizon, but I need to work and look a bit harder to see it and eventually make it larger than the black clouds!

What is faith?

2010-09-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

What is faith?
A huge question and possibly one with many answers for different people?
In AA we are informed that we must find some faith in a higher power....I hasten to add, not a religious god as AA is not a religion or a sect!
If some people choose to have faith in a religious god, thats upto them, but AA is based on a spiritual higher power....
My own concept of faith has changed over the last 21 years of my sobriety, from something at the beginning I was frightened of and 100% against, to nowadays something I see I need on a daily basis, but something I can forget I need on a daily basis too!
Early in my sobriety and early in my young life I presumed faith was linked to religion of whatever denomination you belonged to...a very narrow minded opinion, but then I was a very narrow minded young man!
How could my faith have anything to do with where I was born? If I had been born in Egypt rather than London....I would possibly have had a different kind of faith in a higher power and that really confused me....for a long time!!!!!!!
The fear I had of getting faith.....a religious faith nearly drove me away from AA.....until I really looked at it for myself and tried to get my mind open just a little bit!
I was told by an elder member in AA that all people are born with a basic feeling of well being and I could understand it and indentify with it.....when they are born, they feel ok until a certain age, then they take on board resentment, jealousy,anger,fears etc......this brings on insecurities etc....so after being born with a complete faith in the fact they feel ok.....along the way they lose it.....
To regain this faith ( the feeling of wellbeing), we need to rid ourselves of the things that block us from it....simple but true eh? True for me anyway....
So I had to and have to try on a daily basis to be rid of selfishness,ego,self centredness and try and practice the opposite and in truth the more I do those things, the better I feel within and the less fear (lack of faith) I have....
So you can see faith for me is NOTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION.....but practicing spiritual principles as often as I can.
In short I would rather spend time with people who can benefit from my time...the poor, the sick, the needy, the lonely.... more than follow a religious order, but each to his own and if it works for them...good.

So I see my faith like the picture above....there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and the light will never go out if I remember that I do not need to try and control it!

Saying sorry....is it enough?

2010-09-05T04:30:00.000-07:00

Something went through my head this morning and not for the first time either, it is one of the thoughts that I have had numerous times over the years.....Saying sorry, is it enough?
In AA we are taught through the 12 steps to make direct amends wherever possible and as soon as possible after the incident.....being the better option?
My own opinion is that sorry is not enough and it is better I make amends with an action rather than a word. I think the best bet would be to use a mix of the two, an apology and then better action on my part so that it does not happen again.
I found saying sorry became easy and repetitive and never really meant much because I thought I had done enough by stopping drinking and not bring further mayhem into my life and the lives of others, especially my family.
After the chaos I caused within my own family, I try today to be a good son, father, brother and partner. I have changed and am still changing as a result of carrying out the 12 steps. It was not a sudden change, but an ongoing process.
I can remember an incident years ago where I owed rent to the council in London and went and apologised to them face to face.....but failed to carry out the action of repaying the debt, until many years later! So there is one example where sorry just was not good enough and there have been many more.
One thing I have learnt is to apologise and make amends with an action and not to seek a reaction from the other party, not to look for a pat on the back for saying sorry as I was guilty of that a lot also!

Obviously none of us are perfect, and we will make mistakes, but some thing, unlike the picture above are not just black and white!

Normal life....some people want it, but probably already have it?

2010-08-17T02:23:00.000-07:00

A normal life, everybody's dream or do most of us have it already?
I have heard so many people say to me over my lifetime...'all I wish for is a normal life'!
Someone who used to be in my own life was constantly telling me 'this is not a normal life', and the comment came because I worked away for a month offshore and then had a month off at home....'why can't you get a normal job, from Monday to Friday?'....was another comment from the same person....
So what is a normal life? Comments are welcome here.....
According to the dictionary, Normal is....usual or ordinary.
Also according to a friend of mine the only real thing that is normal is the normal setting on the washing machine!
As far as my own life went it was quite normal as far as I was concerned as it was usual for me to go away for a month at a time, but as far as many other people are concerned, it probably was not very normal to them.
When I was drinking I also thought my life was normal, but only after I had taken alcohol to get rid of the shakes and sweats from the previous session on the drink, then I thought I could act normally like everyone around me.....I did not realise I was addicted to alcohol and the physical feelings I had were caused by alcohol in the first place!
Obviously I came to learn and realise, that stealing, begging and cheating for alcohol was not normal for anyone other than those addicted to alcohol!
Today I see my life as normal in many ways as it is usual and ordinary....to me!

I do not take alcohol anymore, so that helps me maintain at least the semblance of a normal life!
The most important thing is not that my life is normal, but that I make the most of it and use the time I have positively and that I am happy doing so....
I have also learnt not to compare my life with the lives of others because we are all different, have different views, do different things and have different ideas about what we see as normal....
I have recently learnt that paying bills, going shopping and doing the 'normal' things in life can be done whilst being happy at the same time!

Were there happy times in drink for this Alcoholic?

2010-08-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

People often ask, 'was it all chaos and madness on the drink, you must have had some good times?'
To answer the question honestly....it was a bit of a haze as I was so topped up with alcohol all the time, a lot of it is very vague.
I remember feeling incredibly lonely and sad at times, stuck in a squirrel cage and unable to get off....
I remember getting into some situations that at the time were funny, but they were only funny because I was drunk!
I remember when my first son was born thinking to myself that this should be a happy occasion, but it was all such a drunken escapade it is embarrassing...
I did have some fun with people....generally bar staff as they would then feed me alcohol.....;-)
I asked some friends and family recently for a couple of incidents that they remember from my drinking....
Apparently one episode involved me living at a member of my family's house and them coming home to find me asleep on the floor with my feet in the washing machine!!!!
Another episode involved me going for a job interview at a local bedding company, where one of my family was working, and I turned up drunk and apparently lit a cigarette during the walk round.....in a factory full of cloth and wood!!!!

So you can see I did some strange things when drunk and I am sure a few more people will add some later and I will then publish some of the here.....
I can also do some strange things whilst I am sober and sitting with my feet in a tank of fish, as in the picture above is one of them, but the thing today is I am smiling, happy and sober!

Where does the time go.....don't waste it!

2010-08-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

Where does the time go?
Wow, here I am a month off my 47th birthday, wondering how I wasted so much time in my earlier years!
After tasting alcohol at 16 years old....my whole life revolved around it until I stopped at age 25, the years when I was meant to be growing up, making decisions, making and learning about relationships....and I missed it.....
Strange thing is I also wasted a lot of time whilst I was in early recovery, fighting the fact I had a problem with alcohol all the way, trying to prove them all wrong.....
So today I am still busy trying to do the things I missed out on years ago....building relationships, making decisions and most importantly....GROWING UP ;-)

Nowadays I still have problems in my life just like anyone else, but I do try and make the most of my time and see the positive rather than the negative, but some days that can be really hard!
Sometimes now I wonder where the day has gone and wish there were more hours in the day, but it was so different whilst drinking, I wanted all the days to hurry up and end!
Today the strongest thing I drink is probably a cup of tea like the one above that I was fortunate to be able to try and buy in Shanghai......Lovely it was too and does not have the same effect on me as alcohol as after drinking it, I knew exactly where I had been and who with!!

Ideal life....what's that?

2010-07-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking over the last few days how my ideas and ideals have changed over the years.
What is an ideal life and what was an ideal life then....
Over 21 years ago when I was drinking, the ideal life for me would have been to not to have to go to work, but have enough money to drink as often as I liked and for everyone else to mind their own business.....
Just after I stopped drinking and ideal life would have been for the crazy thoughts in my head to disappear, to be able to sleep in a bedroom, and also for the fear I was suffering from to have been removed.....
Now I want life to go on and on, to be able to keep the peace in my head longer, to remember not to take anything or anyone for granted and to continue to be grateful for what I have.....

Strange how our thinking changes?
I think they call it growing up ?
I took the picture above from the oil rig I am on at present sailing from Mauritius to Namibia and there is not much in the picture and years ago I would have seen it as incredibly boring, but as my thinking has changed and I have grown up, I see things a lot differently.....
One thing I do not see differently though is the fact I cannot take alcohol....that thought has never changed and for that I am truly grateful as I would be dead without it!

Being and example.....a good one preferably!

2010-07-21T01:24:00.000-07:00

I have learnt over the years that we have so much influence on other people and sometimes we do not even know the influence we have...
I always looked up to my father and grandfather and basically copied what they did...bad and good.
By setting good examples we can have a positive effect on peoples lives whether they be family, or members of AA or just fellow members of the society we live in.
I did not understand that the way I treated girlfriends could affect my family....generally my sisters. If I was selfish and inconsiderate and she said nothing....they by my example would think the behaviour was ok and acceptable to them in future relationships....which is obviously wrong and a case of my bad behaviour being a negative influence on my siblings.
If in AA I treated people with hostility or self rightousness, then maybe they would follow my bad example? I actually try hard to shake hands (and look them in the eye) with all AA members I meet and make them feel wanted and try to be a positive example......

I took the shot above of the wee boy in Mauritius who was being carried by his mother at the time and it got me thinking to whether I had been a decent example to my kids..
Had I really tried my best or had I just gone through the motions?
I can honestly say I have been a bad example with my attitude on several occasions, but atterly have realised I must quickly apologise and point out my errors so that my kids also know it is an error.....
But I do think I have been a positive example to my kids more often than I have been a negative example, so I need to keep practicing on the positive actions!

The boy's mother (above) was being a great example to him as she was showing love to him and working hard (selling keyrings) at the same time trying to help his future...and she did it all with a smile....something I could really learn from!

Don't stand still......take your chances!

2010-07-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

I have always been a bit of a whinger (complainer) and more of a negative person than a positive one, but more and more I am trying to change this attitude as it is really futile.
I had some news the other day that an old friend had passed away while on holiday and was quite shocked. He was not old and looked healthy enough, but now he is not here, as quick as that.
I have come to realise over the years that none of us really know how long left we have, so we really should make the most of it and what did I do about it......I travelled to Mauritius to work and done nothing but complain about the hold ups and anything else that I could complain about!

So I fought against my head and got myself into a taxi and out of the hotel to look around and take some pictures, try and meet some of the people and it did raise my spirits......being less selfish, not thinking of me all the time, interacting with the locals.
I really need to learn to take my chances a lot quicker than I do, as it can be very uncomfortable living with my head in such a negative state......
Today I feel much better and after looking through some of the shots I took here....I am one lucky guy!

Manipulation and control.....why do we do it and do we evn know we are doing it?

2010-07-11T02:20:00.000-07:00

This topic has come up over the last few months time and time again and I would like to find out more about it....
Why do we manipulate and control?
What effect does it have on us and others?
How do we stop it? If we want to stop it that is!
I can only speak for myself and will not name individuals involved in my life, but I have been on both sides of this discussion and neither side is a healthy way to live!
I controlled and mainipulated people to suit me, whether it be girlfriends,wife, children, fellow workmates and even employers and I have been on the other side being controlled by all of them.
From my own perspective I controlled people for several reasons.....insecurity, lack of self worth and a total lack of faith.
Minor example....I hate to be late as I thought it was rude and generally manipulated my family into being early because...I wanted to be early, totally disregarding any input from them! I manipulated them so much, they became fearful of being late.....controlling people in the extreme eh!
I now realise when I was controlling people (or trying to), I was being selfish to the extreme and not allowing them to be themselves....which in this life we all have the right to be...OURSELVES!.

I also allowed people to control me....because of all the reasons I wrote about above and also because at times it suited me!
I had to work on getting a faith and I am a believer that I do not need a religion to get a faith in a higher power. I love to look at temples (like the one above in Chinatown, Singapore) and churches, but I do not need to religiously attend them to gain faith....instead I have increased my faith by increasing my action towards others and trying to be less selfish.....the more selfish, the less faith I have and vice versa!
Self worth comes from within, believing that you are ok, not special, but ok and practicing in believing this and not being hard on yourself....
Unfortunately the effects of being controlled by someone are not good and you can suffer humiliation, lack of self worth, self esteem can suffer....so I can also see the damage I can create by controlling people...
Some people are that selfish that they do not even know what damage they are creating by controlling people and then denying it!
As I said I have faith and get a better faith by being less selfish....sometimes bloody hard and today I am aware and do not live in denial.
Faith also comes from belief, so I had to give in controlling and believe there was something higher....then watch it in action....the action being me being able to be less selfish, which is something I never thought would happen as I was selfish to the core and only ever thought of me.....and today with the help of faith I am able to think of others more and not only that, but the effect my actions can have on others!

Why is it so easy to slip back to old ways of thinking and acting?

2010-07-06T06:58:00.000-07:00

Why is it that it is so easy to slip back to the old way of thinking, start running the show, acting irrationally?
I have asked myself that question so many times over the past few years, but especially in the past few months.
During my drinking years I never gave a second thought about the way I acted or reacted, never give a thought that my thinking maybe distorted....but today it pains me when I revert back to the selfish and inconsiderate attitude.
I think when pain comes, even today, rather than face the pain and resolve the issue, I can still think it is easier to act recklessly, selfishly and attack the other person with my words.
In this blog I have tried to use photographs that I have personally taken....a hobby that I have (hopefully) got better at over the time I have been practicing....but I am also capable of taking some really bad pictures because I am ....HUMAN and will never be perfect! I can then bring that into my daily life and realise I can progress if I practice, but again not being perfect I will be capable of making some mistakes and some real big one's as well, but I must learn from them, be positive and not give myself a hard time.
The 12 step program makes life possible so that I can cope with the above and not have to revert to alcohol and upto now it is working, so that is one bit I have no intention of changing!

The picture below is a little West Highland Terrier that we aquired a few days ago and sometimes it can be so cute, playful, and funny and other times it can be a nuiscance and a pain in the arse....bit like me really!

Simple answers....sometimes that's all it takes!

2010-06-25T23:32:00.000-07:00

I was talking to someone on the phone yesterday about the relationship I am in at the moment and have been for the past year and the fact that I have not had crossed words with my partner.....which going over the previous 15 years of my marriage was bloody unusual!
The guy said one thing which really says it all 'what is there to fall out about?'....so bloody simple but so true eh?
I had to think about what he said later on after the conversation ended and I then got to think about my previous relationship and all my errors.....
I was immature at the beginning, I was insecure at the beginning, I was jealous at the beginning.....not a great way to start any relationship and unless we had both worked together....it was only ever going to fail!
I started to change, to work on all my insecurities, jealousies and began to grow up, so then I was not the same person that came into the relationship so the battles and mind games began and I won't bore you with the details....but it failed with faults on both parts, but I can see mine clearly and should never have gotten into a relationship with anyone at that time.....FACT.

Today I have to try and remember that I can and will make mistakes, but the secret is to learn from the mistakes and not to give myslef such a hard time when I make them!
Sometimes it is nice to stand alone, go it alone, but generally I have to remember I can not do it all alone and need help from my faith in a higher power and also to allow people to get to know the real me!

House moving stress....truth or over-exaggeration?

2010-06-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

I am currently moving house and thus far it has been totally stress free....an unbelievable experience!
In the past I have had house moves, along with other stuff that has had me stressed out totally...so what is the difference this time?
I think there are several reasons why it is stress free, but the main one is my attitude towards the move and my 'taking it as it comes' rather than trying to control the whole issue.
In recent moves I must say a lot of the stress came from marital conflicts, which then are exposed at times when instead of working together with your partner/spouse, one or the other ends up trying to control the whole situation and the other one retaliates?

So instead of looking at my partner at trying to find fault to help alleviate my insecurities either within or outwith ther relationship, all I have done is to do what I have to do...action rather than words....or mind games!
The Sea Eagle in the picture above was feeding on scraps thrown from the boat we were on during a recent trip to Phuket, another apparently stressful time, holidays....but like the move we just did what we had to do and we had a great time....no crossed words,no mind games, no control....happiness all round!!!!

How should we handle disappointment????

2010-06-02T23:50:00.000-07:00

Obviously I am writing about disappointment from personal experience....and recent too!
How do we handle disappointment, how are we meant to handle disappointment....
I am not sure if there is such a way that we are meant to handle these cases, but I have to admit I generally handle it very badly!!
I am not going to sit here and write about how people have done me wrong....as usually it is my reaction that is wrong.
I have like many people on this planet suffered many disappointments in my time, and I could have handled everyone of them a lot better...
Recently I was passed over for a job without even being spoken to about it and it was offered to someone else, so why did I handle it so badly?
I think basically my pride was dented, so I reacted like a spoilt child, spat the dummy out and am still suffering today a few days after the event!
Realistically I still have a job and a salary, probably higher than the guy who got the job anyway, but yet I still acted like a spoilt child!
So not only did I have my pride dented, I also forgot all the gratitude and also the faith I have in a higher power...

I totally forgot the breathtaking sights I had the pleasure to see on the boat trip on the way to work and as I have said so often.....I was sober when I took the pictures, but it is just a shame I was not a bit more sober minded in my reaction to the disappointment a couple of hours later!!

Fear or Faith....

2010-05-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

Fear or Faith.....total opposites for me, but maybe different for others?
I feel if I have fear then I am lacking in faith, so need to practice at not being in charge and having faith in a higher power?
The reason I write now is because we can suffer from fear in many aspects of our lives, but it never really totally leaves us....does it?
I have just been through a work related course which included a final test and the day before the test I had some fear....but fear of what I had to look into!
Obviously fear of failure....or was it fear of other people knowing I failed?
Eventually I realised I was lacking in faith and tried hard to get in touch with my higher power and the thought came in...'do your best' and then if you fail at least you have tried your best. In truth I never tried my best, because I never revised, so if I fail, it will be my own fault! I tried my best on the day....but as the school report said so often....'could have tried harder'

Another one of my fears is heights but with the help of faith I have managed to do things at heights, like get on the singapore flyer and take that picture above!
I think if I have a faith in a higher power I am cable of doing almost anything,but me not being perfect sometimes I do not have total belief in the faith that carries me through ALL the time!

Busy life....

2010-05-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

Wow...what a busy boy I have been and have not been updating this blog....that's how busy it has been.
Life is so different nowadays...from having no time to do anything, because I was too drunk, or just too busy looking for money to drink....or even just having no time, because I had no motivation, I have gone to having no time because my life is so full!!
I have a job and a girlfriend, children, AA meetings, some small voluntary work, and now I even have some hobbies and along with all that I had to look for a new apartment!
The great thing nowadays is being happy with a full life rather than being frustrated and angry...
Yesterday was one of the busiest days I have had for a long time and when I went to sleep at 22.30....I was so tired, but it did not stop my head from running a bit....thinking, trying to manage, trying to control.....not keeping it in the day and definately not handing it over to a higher power....but it shows I am not perfect and have to keep on my guard!

I have not had much time for my hobbies....photography I love and soccer too...although I do conmbine soccer with some voluntary work...which helps a bit!
Today I am grateful to be alive and know that when the time is right I will get to shoot more pictures, until then....God's Will!

Some of the mistakes I have made on the walk of sobriety.....

2010-05-08T01:06:00.000-07:00

I think it is important to point out some of the mistakes I have made in sobriety and in AA as I have gone through this journey....hopefully it will help someone, if they don't do the same!
Firstly we all make mistakes and that includes me....I was told that they put rubbers (erasers) on the top of all pencils because....we all made mistakes. Simple statement but I can see the point!
I have as a sponsor and a sponsee in AA made mistakes, but then none of us is perfect, so we make mistakes, but the key is to correct them as soon as possible.
After I got sober I continued to behave in the same irresponsible manner that I did when I was drunk.....I had only removed the alcohol and done nothing else.
I bounced cheques on members of my family and strangers alike....in sobriety.
I told lies and cheated members of my family and starngers alike....in sobriety.
As a sponsor in AA there has been times when I could have put in a bit more effort.
As a sponsee there has been numerous times when I was not honest.
I did not listen when old timers told me not to get involved with anyone romantically in my first year in AA.....I DID THE OPPOSITE.....and I believe it has a part to play in the reason why I am getting divorced at the moment.
There have been times also when I have been controversial at meetings and forgotten the primary purpose of me being there.....'to help others achieve sobriety'
I think the biggest mistake I have made in sobriety is lying to myself....telling myself I was ok, when really underneath I was a wreck in need of help, but too proud to admit it!!

Today I try harder as I like being happy and sober.
I still make mistakes and will continue to do so and some I learn from quicker than others, but I am willing to learn.
It is a long walk on this journey, but the views along the way can be worth it!

Can't we just stop drinking....??

2010-05-06T10:04:00.000-07:00

People say to me 'isn't it a case of just stopping drinking?'
The great thing from that statement that I have learnt over the years is I do not need to try and explain to people....why it is not just about stopping drinking.
I could stop drinking....but I could not stay stopped and that was the key.
I lost so much in my drinking career....jobs, partners, friends, money, self respect to name just a few and I would love to have stopped drinking and got them all back....but I could not stop.
I had a mental obsession with alcohol and every time I got money and many times even when I had no money, my head would tell me...'get a drink, it will not be as bad this time'
I begged, borrowed and stole money to drink alcohol, even though I was losing everything!!
Then after taking the initial first drink, because I am alcoholic, my body screamed for more as the craving for alcohol kicked in.
So for me it's more than just stopping drinking....I needed a change, the Big Book of AA talks about a psychic change....and for me it means a new way of thinking, guided by the higher power I now have in my life.
With the help of the program, the things I mentioned earlier that I had lost have started to return....I have a job, I have a partner, I have a little money and most important of all I have my self respect back.

I am back to being the free person that I was before I took drink....

O.D.A.A.T

2010-05-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

What is O.D.A.A.T?
Well it stands for...One Day At A Time.
Why is it so often used in the lives of recovering Alcoholics and the like??
Myself as a recovering alcoholic can say in all honesty that I never understood what it meant for a long time in sobriety, but I have a fair idea now!
I have attached a link of the famous Lena Martell song often heard at AA dances all over Scotland! (click on the O.D.A.A.T title at the top)
Whilst I was drinking I never lived a day at a time, as I was always planning ways to get money for drink, planning lies, planning excuses, planning drinking escapades....so I could not keep anything in one day.
Not only was I planning the events, but I even planned the outcome....hence why I had so many resentments as half the outcomes did not materialise ;-)
Today I try and live a day at a time....I try and I am aware of the outcome if I do not try hard enough....my life will be full of resentment and confusion.
There is no problem planning things....holidays, days out, work schedules.....but thats it, plan it and leave it until it happens....try not to dwell on it, pick faults in it, look at what might go wrong etc......plan it to the best of my ability and have.....FAITH.
So the short answer for me is trying not to have too many 'what if's' and 'but's' in my days.

The picture above was taken in Snekkersten in Denmark on a work related trip, that I did not want to go on, was full of negativity and projected on for days before....was quite miserable for the first few days I was there and all because I did not keep it in the day.
The picture for me shows that I am totally powerless over the outcome of my plans as I went for a course and was concentrating on the negative aspects of that, but then how many times in my life will I get to see the see frozen!!!

What is love?

2010-05-04T02:32:00.000-07:00

I am not sure where this thought come from, but the 'love' word has probably seen the biggest change and eye opener in my sober life.
I was so narrow minded when I first got sober it was unbelievable....
I thought love was to do with men and women, marriage, sex etc.... Quite sad eh?
At present I am reading a book called 'The road less travelled' and in it is a description that goes something like this 'Love is too large, too deep ever to be truly understood or measured or limited within the framework of words'

I am realistic enough to know my thoughts on love were way off track...
My own thoughts on love now are as such; if I can allow someone to be themselves, do as they wish, enjoy themselves and with no input or criticism from me for doing it....then I am showing love to that person.
If I get resentful towards that person I should deal with the resentment as soon as possible, so the love I showed prior to the resentment can continue and also being an alcoholic....resentment is classed as the number one offender....for sending alcoholics back to the bottle.
Realistically I should be trying to show all persons on this planet some love....but it is bloody difficult on some days and extremely difficult on other days:-)
I do try to show people love and try not to criticise, but I am human and do fail, but I can say I have more love in my heart than I did when I first got sober, so I believe progress is being made.
Falling in love is a different matter and probably something I could talk about all day as during my drinking days I fell in love regularly......with Whisky, Brandy, Pils lager....;-)
On a serious note, falling in love should not be confused with loving someone!

Prayer.....praying....does it work?

2010-05-02T04:55:00.000-07:00

Why do I need to pray? Who do you pray to? How do you pray? Does it work?.......these are all questions I continued to ask myself after getting sober and getting into AA.
I was brought up with a god of fear....one that would not be happy if I did wrong, so my thoughts on getting into AA were confused to say the least.
I was then told it had to be a god of my own conception.....that's difficult for a guy that had no real concept of anything...only drinking!
The book then says....'every man and woman is born with the basic feeling of wellbeing'......or words to that effect? So if we are all born with it, we must still have it, but it is hidden by pomp, worship of other things...alcohol, people, money and is also hidden by resentment, fear, anger and jealousy etc...??
So my concept is the thing I had as a child....the feeling of wellbeing.....so whoever, whatever gave me that feeling, I pray to that and do not need to understand any more.
I think the reason I pray is for humility and also gratitude....I do not pray for personal gain or for specific actions to be carried out because I think if they dont happen I would have a tendency maybe to drop the god or higher power idea....not sure, but I am not going to risk it!
If someone I know is sick for example....I asked my god to give them courage to face their illness, strength to cope, strength for their families etc and I really want it for them, which is bloody amazing for someone like me because I was so jealous I never wanted anyone else to get anything!
I pray anywhere and anytime and am not a believer in praying at a set time every week or everyday....I just pray whenever I need to or want to....

My own experience is that for me it works....
Many years ago when I first got to AA, I could not sleep in the bedroom after getting burgled in my London flat. I was sleeping on the couch with the telly on, trying to read a newspaper etc.....
A guy in AA asked me to pray for the burglar (at which point I thought he was bonkers). We discussed it a little more and I went on to pray for the burglar, that he would get his needs from a normal job, that he may get help with his life, peace in his heart etc.....I can remember within 2 weeks of doing this everyday I was back in the bedroom and the only think keeping me awake was the smile of the fact I wanted to try it again as it worked!!!!!!!!

Can I stay sober without AA meetings??

2010-04-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

Can I stay sober without AA meetings?
For me the answer is simply.....YES!
I do not need meetings to stay sober as the thing that keeps me sober is ......not taking alcohol and that has been acheived by trying to work the 12 steps of AA on a daily basis.
I will say that a big part of the 12 steps is passing back the message (the 12 steps) that was given to me and that is mostly done in AA meetings, so I do need to go....but as I said the program (12 steps) keeps me sober.
Some people see this as controversial and I used to use it to annoy those people, but have since become a bit more sober minded....hopefully!!
I have heard many people say staying away from meetings got them drunk.....but I am a believer that it was the alcohol that got them drunk and probably more to do with the reason why they were staying away from meetings rather than the act actually the staying away from the meeting itself.
My own experience is that if I deliberately choose to stay from meetings and then start to drift into selfishness or self seeking.....then I am in trouble and my thinking will decline rapidly......I am veering away from the 12 steps and closer to a drink???
If I stay away from meetings for a valid reason and continue to work the 12 steps, then I am in less danger of drinking, than say, someone going to 14 meetings a week and talking about their problems, but actually do nothing to change them!!!
On a personal level...I worked offshore for ten years and could not manage a meeting for a whole month while in the sea....did i drink....NO!
Granted sometimes my attitude changed for the worse, but that was more to do with not working the 12 steps in my daily life rather than missing meetings!

So I see it that, if I eat the food in front of me (working the 12 steps) I will not starve......but if I just sit and look at the menu( the big book), then there is a possibility I will go hungry?
I have had times and will have more times when I have gone hungry due to the fact I was only reading the menu and not eating the food!

Things I can do without alcohol......

2010-04-29T03:38:00.000-07:00

What can I do without alcohol.....to put it bluntly.......absolutely anything, apart from.....drinking alcohol!
I took drink at age 16 and never really knew what life was like without it until I stopped in 1988....
I used alcohol for everything, from giving me courage to talk to women, to getting me to dance (if you can call it dancing!), to socialise and eventually needed it to get to work!
On the humerous side I used to think I was great at dancing, once I had a belly full of alcohol that is.......strange thing is, that nowadays I can go to a party,wedding etc and realise I can not dance, but just move around and enjoy myself......so how bad must I have been full of alcohol:-)

As you can see from the picture above, without alcohol I can sing on a karaoke....although some would say I can not sing on a Karaoke;-)
I am able to go to bars,restaraunts, discos, weddings, funerals etc and I do not need alcohol to feel part of any event that I may attend.....miracle for this guy.
I also do not need to take alcohol to change the way I feel, as I am aware of my feelings today and know if they are negative I need to address them, rather than address a bottle of whisky!
So the greatest thing I can do without alcohol, which I never thought I would ever be able to do is to.......BE MYSELF!!!!

Daily Life......

2010-04-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

I should probably add a bit of my daily life to this blog and hopefully it may be a bit more interesting......or then again maybe it wont :-)
After I got sober I never really had many interests, only an obsession with football which at the time was probably unhealthy.
Over the years of my sobriety I have gained a few interests and have gone from being totally narrow minded to having a slightly more open mind and hopefully it will open more as time goes on.....
After I got sober my self worth was zero, so I never really thought I was capable of doing or acheiving anything worthwhile.
I thought I had to prove myself to the whole world and that just being me was too boring.....but the funny thing is, over 21 years later, just being plain old boring me .......is bloody great!
I have learnt in my recovery I must try and balance my life between, work, family and time for me and stay sober into the bargain.
My time for me used to be spent in front of the telly watching Jeremy Kyle and other day time TV......now I am not saying watching these is wrong, but for me it was a waste of my quality time....watching them daily!
I decided I would like to learn music and then set about getting a teacher and slowly began to learn to read music, but the playing was a struggle, but I also learnt that is ok too and I do not need to be fantastic at it as long as I enjoyed it!!
When I was at school, people that took music classes were seen as weak!!! Latterly I have taken up piano lessons and can play some tunes and love it.....dramatic change from the narrow minded school boy eh???

Since moving to Singapore I have also been to photography classes and again I am not an expert but have learnt a lot and love taking pictures, which is probably

obvious from the pictures on this blog! More later about, me, my life and my recovery!

Sponsors....in AA, what are they, who are they and what are they supposed to do?

2010-04-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

Sponsors....what are they, who are they and what are they supposed to do? That is the question I was dying to ask in AA for the first couple of.......YEARS!
I heard lots of talk in the rooms of AA and never really had the courage to ask and not many meetings in AA advertise what sponsors are etc.....let alone who they are!

Sponsors are generally meant to be people who have been in AA and carried out the 12 Steps and who try to work them into their lives and in doing so, sponsorship of newcomers and passing the message would be automatic for them?
Sponsors are their only to guide the newcomer through his/her early days, get them through the 12 steps and move on to the next person.....
Some sponsor to sponsee relationships do grow on the friendship basis, but not all, as some people have nothing much in common with their sponsor.....only AA, which is in reality, all we are there for!!
The sponsor has generally and really should have carried out the 12 steps and should pass it on freely, so there should be no charge for this and it should not really be used as an ego trip for the sponsor as it should be a humbling experience.
Showing humility by visiting the sponsee on his/her own patch, rather than dictating where and when the sponsee should meet you would be a great start???
When the 3rd step is reached, one thing which meant so much to me was being asked 'what does your god want you to do' and not being told 'get on your knees'......and it showed me my sponsor did not think he was God and that when it asked for a god of my understanding, he allowed me to have one of my understanding!!!!
Sponsors should not offer advice, only talk about similar experiences.
Sponsors should not profess to be financial or marital or any other counsellors and offering advice in these situations with no experience can be dangerous.
Sponsors should be willing to learn even from new sponsees!!!
Sponsors are human and can make mistakes and should not be looked at as perfect or put up high on a pedestal......
Sponsees should be able to think for themselves and it is ok to disagree with your sponsor.....even as far as the program is concerned....
If I have problems nowadays with my thinking I talk to my sponsor if and when necessary....I am not addicted to him/her!!
If my sponsor has not experienced issues I am dealing with it is ok to seek out someone who has!!!
I have had a few sponsors and all tried their best, but at the end of the day it really is down to the effort put in by.....ME!!!!!

What are the '12 steps'??

2010-04-24T05:20:00.000-07:00

I work in the oil and gas industry and generally work offshore (similar to the one in the picture...and have actually been on that one!) on a 28 days on and 28 days off rotation and after being in the office for 3 years I am now back offshore again and
I get a lot of time to think when I am offshore and the 12 steps used to confuse the life out of me before I started to practice them in my life...... So I have been thinking how best to describe them in lay mans terms so here goes...

I used to think they were some sort of mystical process, where you got blessed or something and you then never drank again and went around meetings professing how happy you were and how life was so wonderful....;-)
The Big Book of AA states "Here are the steps we took" and it does not say the following, which is what I thought it said.... "here are the steps we read and talked about."
I am not a 12 Step Guru, but just an ex-drunk, who uses the 12 steps to stay sober and hopefully, content with my sobriety!
In short for me the 12 steps work like this;
Firstly they explain what an Alcoholic is.....so I can find out if I am an Alcoholic or not. They explain the mental and physical aspects of the illness and also the spiritual sickness (malady). So with the complete picture of what an alcoholic looks like and some symptoms of the illness I can decide for myself if I am or not.....Good starting place eh?
Then the book goes on to describe the fact that I am powerless and need a higher power which will enable me to have a spiritual awakening / change...i.e a change of personality/character which will come from a result of practicing these 12 steps in my daily life (to the best of my ability).
It then explains that all humans are born with the basic feeling of well-being (god)....but it is covered/lost with the resentments/fears/anger/self obsession/jealousy etc........and as a result of personal housecleaning and making amends where necessary and the ability to allow God to remove my defects.....I will then have a spiritual change which will enable me to live fairly happily without alcohol???
Funny thing is it actually bloody works if I work it!!!
I made the decision to believe in something non religious....just the thing that was looking after me before I got all the fears, jealousy, insecurity etc......
I then asked 'god' to remove my defects....obviously I have to work on them....God just points them out to me to work.....God does not just 'magic' them away for me.....so now I have a 'God' consciousness.
The more I see this 'God' working the more faith I get.....I had no faith before I saw it working!
Maybe I can talk about 'sponsors' next time......now there's a can of worms!!!

What is 'God's Will' ??

2010-04-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

In AA and in some general walks of life people speak about 'Gods will' and 'Gods will for us'.
I for one and probably along with many others in AA and in life in general....really struggled with God, what it was and more on what his will for me was!
I nearly walked away from AA I was so confused and most of the answers I got were religious biased opinions on peoples versions and ideas of God.
AA is not religious and could not afford to be otherwise there would be so much controversy it would collapse on itself?
I do believe a lot of people believe God is religious, but I do not agree....I believe God was here long before religion!
I have no idea what, who and why God is....but I am willing to believe there is something and leave it at that and I just now watch for signs in my life and the lives of others for this God.
I have said before I was born with a feeling of well being,no jealousy, anger or resentments and I believe my thoughts and actions helped to change them positive feelings to negative feelings....along with outside influences from my peers.
For the years before I got all those negative feelings I was probably unselfish, free from anger...etc

So I believe God's will for me is my thoughts and actions and all MY God wants is for me to TRY and be positive, kind, considerate, tolerant and when I fail....not to be too hard on myself.
The picture above is the way I see my life with God.....a footpath, does not look too interesting, but if I look deeper it actually looks nicer than I think. I can and will stray off the path and then I will get lost for a time in the woods....then I need to try harder to get back on the path......Gods path maybe???
I do not get confused and use religion as a description for God in AA as my God wants me to be tolerant of other's and not to force my beliefs onto them.... If people ask my beliefs I will tell them, but I will try not to force my opinions onto them, only explain my experiences with 'MY GOD'.

Input from readers....if there is any readers;-)

2010-04-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

I have decided to see if there is anyone reading this and if so if they have any input? Any issues they feel I should or could write about?
Obviously it is better done anonymously, so just add a comment and I will try my best.
Tomorrow morning very early I have to return to work offshore, something I have not done in over 3 years, so there is some small fears and some skepticism on my part....

Unlike the wee boy above I did not have to go to work at two years of age and for that I am grateful. The job I have pays a decent salary and allows me and my children to have a better sort of life.
I will not get any meetings over the next 3 weeks, so will need to be on the ball and stay in touch with AA via this blog and the email facilities and any phone calls I get to make, so I have no excuses to feel sorry for myself....
All I have to do is remember when I wake up every day it is God's will and not my will and to stop any confusion ....I do not mean religious God....my god is a spiritual god!

Gratitude....often spoken about, but do we really have it?

2010-04-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

Gratitude.....is a word I have probably heard and misunderstood more than any other word in my journey in sobriety.
When I first got sober back in November 1988, I was an emotional and physical wreck of a young man and many people in AA asked me to be 'grateful' and to 'try and get some gratitude'......but most of them left it at that and did not explain further......so I became more confused and more angry and less grateful!!
Can you imagine a young 26-27 year old guy, with no money, no girlfriend, feeling isolated and alone, having panic attacks regularly through every day, unable to sleep in a bed, full of fear and insecurity and jealousy.....being asked by some well off, comfortable in his own skin recovering alcoholic.....'to try and get some gratitude'!!!!
I had as I said before about 8 years of that way of life.....total unhappiness and discontentment.
For me you can not just get gratitude, it is a feeling, a way of life that becomes more normal the more you live in it.
After working on the 12 steps and learning to like myself and changing the negative way I felt about myself and most of life....I now try to see the positive as often as I can and for someone like me who was a down and out drunk, that is amazing and I am truly grateful!!
It is hard at first to practice this feeling, but it takes just that, practice and eventually it becomes a way of life and you will really feel it...
So for newcomers, it maybe a case of trying to be grateful for the smallest item at first, maybe for just being alive (even though you may wish you were not!), maybe for just being sober, having the ability to be a friend, maybe for just sleeping in a dry bed....small things at first and as it becomes a way of life you will feel and see more.
People in AA who profess to have gratitude, need to pass it on and put an arm around the newcomers, spend some real time with them, pay for their coffee, buy them lunch and show real gratitude so the newcomers can experience it?
Today I have to be careful not to just rest on the feeling of gratitude and just feel grateful and do nothing with it.....I have to work on it along with all the rest of the feelings I have and I have said before if I do not excercise it.....it will suffer and I will become less grateful.
Excercising the gratitude feeling for me means physical action....asking a newcomer if they want to go for tea, helping an old lady with her shopping, not cutting people up in the car and so on.....and on a regular basis and not just now and again.
The picture above was taken shortly after I had been to a carol concert and I was grateful to be able to sit and listen without any negative thoughts (for a while!) and then look at the view across the river, but more importantly I was sober!
Today I try and excercise my gratitude by spending some of my free time with people who are less fortunate and I had the pleasure of taking my two sons along the other day and they saw some gratitude too.....and HOW CAN I NOW NOT BE GRATEFUL FOR THAT!

Children.....are they affected by the alcoholic?

2010-04-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

Are children of the alcoholic affected by the alcoholic? Another subject which is argued endlessly I think?
I took the two pictures in this article withing the space of ten minutes in Laos and to me they sum up my feelings about this question.
I am not suggesting anyone in the pictures is a child of an alcoholic, merely the photos tell a story of what I feel. I am not saying a mistreated child will turn into an alcoholic as I know plenty of children who grew up in harsh family environments and who are not alcoholics!

The wee baby in the first picture is so cute, perfect and looks so peaceful....not caring he is in a shopping basket at all!
He has been brought into this world as near perfect as a human can get? He has no fear, no jealousy, no anger, no resentment and as he looks in the picture, he is pretty peaceful.
I was not the child of an alcoholic, so can not say what it feels like to be one, but I have an idea of the effect I had on my children.
The rollercoaster of emotions would be the first thing that springs to mind and the inconsistency is another.
Alcohol was always top of the list and if I had it and also money for more, then the kids had a chance of being in a happy environment, but if I had no money, no alcohol....then the environment would be negative and moody and miserable and not a healthy place for a child. Obviously not being a rich alcoholic I was miserable most of the time!
One of the most amazing things is that even when I was sober in the early days, but was not practicising AA's 12 steps.....the atmosphere could be the same and the kids could be seriously affected by my mood swings and unstable and inconsistent attitudes.

In the first picture the baby looks cute and lovely and in the second picture the wee boy looks so unhappy and miserable and in sobriety I have control over how my children are treated....by me!
Babies are made with love (generally!) and if brought up with love and kindness and affection and if they are treated in a positive fashion I am sure they will grow up with love in their hearts, full of self worth?
If they are treated with anger, abuse, negative feelings and a lack of love, there can be only one result....an unhappy child turning into an unhappy and affected adult?
Today with the help of AA's 12 steps I have choices....I can either give to my children freely...love, respect, emotional stability or I can take away their rights to all this....NOT REALLY A CHOICE AFTER ALL IS IT?
I do have to be careful though as I am not perfect and at times I will affect my children, but I need to be quick to apologise and change the negative action into a positive one.

Happiness....what is it?

2010-04-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

Happiness....what is it?
Is that such a strange question? I will try and add my feelings and experiences on it...
If I look back to my childhood, I can pick out times when I think I was happy, content and not seeking happiness....as I did for many years later in life!
I was privileged enough to visit Laos over Xmas last year and the picture I took of the young Hmong tribe girl says it all to me....

She was playing with some friends, both adults and children and they were throwing a tennis ball back and forward to each other, nothing else and they were all so happy doing something so simple...
They were all putting something into the situation and hence they all got something out of it...fun and laughter and looking at her face and the faces of the others I could see they were so happy.
My own situation was the same for years, but there came a time when I stopped putting in the same amount of effort but expected to get the same happiness....does not work though and then the more unhappy I became the more things I used to try and make me happy.
It was a long time before I realised real happiness was from within and was only temporary if it came from outside influences.
When I took alcohol I used to get short spells of happiness but then came the destruction and then the remorse and shame and guilt....so the temporary happiness was blown away!
When I then got sober I found I was not so happy, so I tried to use things to make me happy. Money made me happy for a while, girlfriends made me happy for a while, other material things made me happy for a while.....but it was all temporary.
I had to try hard and work on myself and tell myself I was an ok person....not in the gutter, not special, but just ok. I learnt to like myself for being me, accept who I was with all my flaws.
Today I can say I feel happy as a person. I still get days when I get pissed off, feel a bit down, but generally I am happy.....because I like being me!

Obsession for Alcohol....when does it leave???

2010-04-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

What a great question and one with many answers from many different people I suppose?
I was talking with someone last night and I said I did not think the obsession for alcohol really truly lifted until we actually started and earnestly began to practice the 12 steps....many will disagree I think?
I had to understand what I suffered from...'Alcoholism', which is a three fold illness, (1) the physical craving, (2) the mental obsession and (3) the spirtual malady(spiritual sickness).
I will talk about the other two parts later....
We also have to understand that the mental side of this illness is not all the crazy things we did, although yes, some were mental....but the obsession of the mind that told me it was ok to take alcohol even when I knew it was wrong....
The mental obsession and physical craving are totally different and the craving for alcohol only comes after we take the first drink!
As I said I think the obsession lifted with me after I truly started to get honest and work hard on the 12 steps.
I can say I was sober for years before I got honest and on the 12 steps, but sub-consciously I was obsessed with alcohol and I think it showed itself in my selfish and obsessive behaviour.
I had a terrible attitude and was full of anger and fears and just running on self will. I would get periods when my anger and irritability was less as I masked it with material possessions....new car, new clothes, new girlfriend, then a wife and then a child and probably many more things can be added to the list.
So you can see the obsession never really left me....it was just covered up and waiting to erupt in a spree of alcohol. I was very fortunate I never drank and I can see that now.
When the emotional and mental pain became too much I then decided to do something about it....I would walk away from AA!!! How smart was that!!!
Fortunately for me at this time I met someone who was into the 12 steps of AA and spoke to me and said it might be an idea to get to a meeting where I could find out what an Alcoholic was.....bearing in mind I had been in AA for 8 years at this point!!!
Who put this person in my path? Was it God, was it luck, is it important? I have my own views on this and I do not believe in coincidence. I believe if I work hard enough on myself, God will help me and reveal the answers too me, but if I just sit back and do nothing and do not grow....then the answers will remain hidden as I will stay spiritually blind!

The same way to stay physically fit I need to excercise applies to my mental and emotional and spiritual fitness....I need to excercise tolerance, patience,love and a lack of selfishness and when I fail to practice this I suffer as I would physically if I stopped excercising....
I have to seize the positive of every opportunity to make the most of it....practice Gods will for me and not my will and basically Gods will for me......is my actions and they must be unselfish, kind and considerate. I believe when I started this way of life honestly the obssession for alcohol really lifted......but if I return to my old behaviour then the obsession and the dangers of alcohol are just ready and waiting!!!!

The family before, during and after....

2010-04-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

The family are often spoke about in the recovery life of an ex-drunk because generally they are the ones who suffer the most.
My own experience is probably no different to that of a lot of other ex-drunks.
My childhood was fairly normal, not poor and not rich. My parents divorced when I was 12 years old, but in todays society, divorce is more common.
I know many alcoholics that blame their situation for causing their alcoholism,divorced parents, unhappy childhood etc....but I am not a believer of that as my siblings are not alcoholics and had the same upbringing as me and many people I know had far worse upbringings than me and they are not alcoholics!
My family bore the brunt of my drinking...my parents had to put up with the repercussions of my escapades, wet beds, trouble witht the police, fights with brothers and sisters, my name being mentioned by total strangers in earshot of my embarrassed parents!
My partners at various times put up with similar outburst along with the irresponsible side of me as a parent myself....
I became a father during my drinking, although I did not behave like one and my son suffered as I carried on drinking with no thoughts of him whatsoever....
I became estranged from his mother and he suffered again and still I took no notice....
I then got sober (from alcohol but not of mind!)....and you would think it would get better I would become a more responsible person???
As they say, if you are a thief when you are drunk.....when you get sober....you become a better thief!!! So I became a better liar and cheat and not more responsible!
After years of pain(mentally and emotionally) and also the trials and tribulations of my marriage and the birth of my second son....the pain got too much and I had to do something about it, so I spoke to someone in AA and started on the 12 steps.
Things changed but not immediately and there was a lot more pain to endure. I began to grow, become my own person, feel more self worth, more secure in my own skin and unfortunately grew apart from my wife.
I can say today that I feel much better and people around me are proof of that...don't take my word for it, ask them.
My relationship with my father, mother, step-parents, siblings, children and new girlfriend have all remarkably improved and that can not be a coincidence...??

So I see my journey in sobriety as a growing flower.....it takes a while to grow and often gets bitten as it opens up, but it continues to grow and ends up fully bloomed and a nice thing for people to look at take the positive from!

Peace....what's that?

2010-03-31T11:25:00.000-07:00

Peace....I thought was only aquired by monks and the clergy....what a warped way to think eh?
My head never got peace when I was drinking and it was worse when I had no money to drink!!!!
In my drinking days it was always going at 100 miles an hour....trying to plan and scheme how to get drink, how to get money to drink etc....It would think up amazing stories and lies to cover my tracks and sob stories to win people over....
Whilst I was actually physically drinking it would tell me I was better than everyone else, tell me I did not have to work, also that everyone was wrong and I knew better and even told me I could dance and in sobriety I since found out different......I can not dance ;-)
After the drink and money run out, my head created amazing stories to cover the guilt and shame I felt about bouncing cheques, wetting beds, missing work, trying to explain where I had been....even when I did not have a clue.....and it created an amazing ability to deny I had a drink problem!!!
When I stopped drinking on November 21st 1988, I would like to say my head cleared up, but unfortunately it never...
In early sobriety I slept or tried to sleep in the lounge(living room).....with the light on, television on and with my head telling me that someone could be hiding in the bathroom....so you see I had no peace.
That way of living was a nightmare, but at the time it was a sober nightmare and I wanted to be sober more than anything!
As time went on (8 years to be exact) I got more into the 12 steps.... and realised I needed to get a faith in something.....but to get faith in something I needed to believe in it first, or at least be willing to believe.
I made the decision I wrote about in the last blog update and started from there....
Shortly after I began to tell someone about myslef for the first time honestly..... and amazing as it sounds I got moments of peace....moments where my head was quiet and I was not scheming and planning all sorts.
Obviously I am not at peace all the time nowadays, but I get a lot more than I used to get and am much more relaxed....something works!

Alcohol......

2010-03-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

I suppose if I am writing about recovering from Alcohol abuse; I really should write now and again about the alcohol....
Can something as nice looking as a can of lager cause so many problems?

Well to start with it is not the can of lager that causes all the damage, it is the person drinking and then adversely reacting to the alcohol that is causing the damage.
There are several types of drinker;
Social drinker, moderate drinker,heavy drinker and then alcoholic and quantity does not define alcoholic from the other three!!!!!
Social drinkers drink socially, now and again and usually do not like the drunk or tipsy feeling....
Moderate drinkers a bit more often and like the effects of alcohol, but have no problem controlling and enjoying alcohol....
Heavy drinkers probably drink regularly and maybe even lose days off work, maybe have blackouts, but can still have enjoyment and control over the quantity they consume....
Alcoholics lose all control of the amount of alcohol they will consume...... after they take the first drink!!!! They have an allergy, which after taking one drink, will tell them to take another.....and another....etc
They will beg, steal and borrow to get alcohol.
They can not control how much they drink, after they take the first one and they very rarely enjoy the effects of alcohol due to the nature of the illness and the destruction they often leave behind them.
Even after all the damage and destruction they cause, the have a mental twist in their thinking that also tells them.....next time it will be different!!!!
So as you can see this (alcoholism) has nothing to do with the quantity of alcohol being consumed......although alcoholics do consume large quantities, just because their mind and bodies tells them to keep drinking!
More on drinking and alcohol later....

Perfection????

2010-03-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

Perfection....
why do I choose to write about that you may ask....because I took the picture below and it created thoughts for me, a picture within a picture you may say, so here goes!

If you take one leaf away from the picture above; Would it still be as nice? (to some people it does not look nice now!) Would it still look similar or would it be totally different?
My own opinion is it would still look similar and would be quite nice in my eyes....so I have to put that into my daily life...i.e, at work I am part of the team and not the main player and it is ok to be part of a team and not let my ego and attitude totally take over to strive to be centre of attention.
Also life, I am part of the big picture and it is important to be part of the picture, rather than trying to be a portrait on my own and striving to stand out and maybe spoiling the picture in the process?
Babies are the closest thing I have ever seen to perfection and then we (adults) give them imperfections and character defects totally free:-) Also as they grow up, they pick up some for themselves too...
None of us are perfect and I have learnt I will never reach perfection at anything, but as long as I continue to make progress in all aspects of my life, then I am being positive and for me it is more important to be positive than to be perfect.
I can be the best at something, if I am positive enough and put in the effort, but I know I will never be perfect and with not being perfect.... I WILL MAKE MISTAKES!!!
After I got sober I thought it was bad to make mistakes and that people would think lesser of me....sad but true, thats where my thinking was.....
Now I know I can learn from my mistakes and making mistakes is not something I should be judged on?
One of the biggest eye openers is that if I can make mistakes, then other people should be able to do the same, without me criticising them.....and admittedly this is one area where I am far from perfect;-)
When I do make mistakes, I try so hard not to give myself a hard time and try and forgive myself. Look at the whole picture, see where I was wrong and try and rectify it and over the years, it has been working for me and I feel more 'part of' the planet....rather then one of the stars looking down at the planet!

What is a bad day???

2010-03-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

I think I have been confused over the years as to what should be classed as a 'bad day'.
I can safely say that early on in sobriety I thought every day was a bad day and acted like everyday was a bad day.
I was quite often miserable, unhappy, resentful, angry, restless, irritable and discontent so it is not hard to see why I thought the way I did....
The fact I felt alone most of the time played a big part in my thinking too and notice the words 'felt alone', as more often than not I was not alone and it was only how I felt!
I had been sober for many years like this and could did not even have the ability to see my sobriety as a positive thing!
Obviously people may think differently to me and obviously that is normal....or relatively normal, as one of my friends says....'the only thing that is normal in life is the setting on the washing machine!'
Nowadays I can 'try' and change my day by looking at things around me and not in me when I feel a bit down....sometimes it is harder than others.
Something as simple as looking at flowers growing in the garden....or someone else's garden (which would mean I was actually walking somewhere!) can help me to think differently.

The first thing I do is if I resent someone, or am angry is to work out what is affected in me and then pray to try and remove the resentment or fear or anger etc. Generally simple prayers work for me, but I have to 'mean' them. For me the resentment never goes away straight away, but over a period of time it has been my experience that it does.
Then I try not to concentrate on me, but others, or something else like I said, something as simple as flowers growing in the garden, children in the park, nice looking buildings....anything really.
I allow myself to have days when I do not feel to great, want to do nothing, be alone and I do not give myself a hard time for wanting those things, but I do try to keep these days to a minimum!
I have been through deaths, births, and now am going through a divorce and can safely say I really have not had a bad day in sobriety.....that day would be if I lifted a drink and with the help of the 12 step program, hopefully I will never get to see another bad day!

Insecurity......or Insecurities!

2010-03-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

I can safely say although I have suffered from insecurities...it does not mean I am an expert!
I was asked to remember a time as a young boy when I had no insecurities,fears and jealousy etc and I could recall a time when I was pretty carefree as a young 8/9 year old, with no insecurities to speak of....so what was different???
I believe I had a faith that I was born with....given freely by God/Higher power or whatever you choose to call it.
After a certain point I began to run on self will and started to suffer from jealousy, fear and other insecurities.
I then fed the insecurities with Alcohol as I got older and they got worse, so when I stopped drinking....I was full of insecurity!!!!
I had no self worth...which is fuel for the insecurities.....Self worth being the fact I felt of little use to anyone....worthless.
The sad thing is; I had 8 sober years full of these insecurities and I overcame them by controlling people, allowing people to control me, using material possessions and worst of all, by constantly criticising others to make myself look better!
One of the things the 12 step program I used and still use from AA asked me to do was to try and believe in a power greater than me and then if I continue to ask God/Higher Power to help remove my defects....I would have a spiritual change.
It is my experience that this works...as I made the decision to try and believe in the thing I had in my life as a young boy and the great thing was I did not understand it then and did not need to now! What a relief I do not need to understand it, only believe in it!!!
So that is what I have tried to do....and the results are amazing as I now actually like being me, feel of use.....so the self worth is coming back and keeps coming.
I can now have unconditional relationships without fears ruining them....I do not allow people to control me anymore....
I recently ended my marriage 21 years into sobriety and after 14 years of marriage because I could no longer cope with the conditional side of it....and some may say it is not a valid reason.....but they did not have to live in it and live with my head!!!
One of the great things is to see God working in and through others and not have a burning desire to go and look into it more to try and prove it wrong!!!

Life sucks.....?

2010-03-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have heard this expression so many times....life sucks!
But does it really, or is it our reaction to life? I can honestly say my reaction to life has a lot to do with my attitude on any given day....so I must be positive as ften as I can, but for an alcoholic, that is a big ask!!!
I can generally handle all the big stuff, weddings, funerals, deaths, job losses etc, but it is the small stuff that really annoys me and my reaction to such trivialities can destroy my day and eventually lead to drink.....and heaven forbid that happens again!
How can some moron who decides to drive insanely annoy me so much? Surely he is insane.....or is it me?
Why when people do not understand what I am saying when ordering a pizza on the phone, does it piss me off....again, is the problem with them or me???
Of course the problem is with me and my attitude to the situation....sometimes I am a bit slow to realise it and keep putting fuel on the fire....dangerous ground for this ex drunk!
I have learnt that to live a happy life on this planet and stay sober into the bargain, I must show love and tolerance to all....even call centre operators and insane drivers!!! It takes practice and more often than not I fail, but when I try and do it properly.....IT BLOODY WORKS!!!......so why is so hard to do it all the time....the answer is simple....I am not perfect! This was such an eye opener to me and it is that simple....just try your best to improve.....not to strive for perfection as you will never get it, only a lot of headaches trying to attain perfection?

Relationships......

2010-03-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

Relationships....where do we start???
The reason I have attached the picture above is that I am of the opinion that unless relationships are unconditional....then there will be the two people in the relationship and the head or 'ego' of the dominant or controlling person in the relationship and I think this goes for all types of relationship, whether they be buisness or private life. When I have had conditional relationships, they have always been unbalanced and full of resentment.
Relationships I can see in my life that are unconditional are generally the best ones I have. Where I am allowed to be myself and the other party is also allowed to be themselves....
Why would I want to control or change someone I truly love....??? Insecurity thats why,my insecurities will cause me to do all sorts of things unless they are addressed!
More will follow later on a personal experience nature,but thats enough to get people started...

Working environment....

2010-03-10T15:53:00.000-08:00

Now I am back at work...officially anyway!
Work environments can be difficult places for anyone, let alone Alcoholics in recovery!
There can be many different trials and tribulations, dependant on the working environment.
I work in the Oil and Gas industry which is a very male dominated environment, with some real hard drinkers and many egos to battle with....
What do we do for the best....say nothing and hope no-one notices we don't drink or tell all we are Alcoholics in recovery? I find it best to judge each situation on its own merits and will not tell people I do not really know or worse still who I do not trust!
Work places can be places where other controlling people can pray on the weaknesses of others to gain notice for themselves....
I have had many experiences at work of both good and bad, but mainly the bad ones all started with my own plans and schemes!!!!
I have to keep in my head that I am there to do a job of work and anything to the positive that happens outside that is a bonus and any negative issues has to be dealt with as soon as possible....or it will breed resentment, which could lead to the drink!
The good relationships at work are generally the ones that I take an active part in and do not try and take over and manipulate.
When I was drinking I struggled to hold down a job and was dismissed by a few employers, but since getting sober I have always been in employment and never have been dismissed, so I must be learning something!

Straight back to normal....

2010-03-07T22:39:00.000-08:00

I have been back home for a day now and generally try and get straight back into normality to fight off the jet lag.
I will be at a meeting tonight and hopefully that will get my thinking back on track again.
The flight back was long but uneventful. Small fear at one stage when we hit some turbulence, but other than that pretty straightforward.
I used to look at people and think their lives were boring, but actually nowadays I quite like boring :-)
Life does not need to be full of ups and downs and full of excitement or full of fears, but it is good to get a healthy balance...which hopefully I have today.
When the positives come along I try not let them rule my head and become to egotistical, and when the negatives come along I try and not let them drag me down.....takes a lot of practice and a few hiccups on the way...but it is worth it!
Anyway time to go and get some things done....

Travel....

2010-03-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

A long day in prospect today as I have to have half a day in class then travel back to Singapore, so probably will be really tired later...so better update now.
Travelling has always been seen as a problem area for people with drink problems....free drinks on airlines(well some anyway) and long hours of waiting in airports often leads to excuses and drunken escapades?
I have to try and prepare my thinking as soon as I wake up for the plan ahead...and not being a lover of flying I have to put in extra effort.
I try and strike up conversations on the plane and in airports, normal chit chat, just to stop my head thinking of me all the time!
On the plane I try to sleep a bit on long haul and I also try and listen or read some fellowship based material....but also nowadays the entertainment systems on airlines are generally very good which also helps.
I try not to drink too much coffee....which tends to make me agitated and uncomfortable....
I will let you know how the journey goes later....

Testing times.....no tranquility??

2010-03-04T10:45:00.000-08:00

The end of my 3 week stay here in the hotel in Snekkersten,Copenhagen is near and it has been a very testing time for this ex-drunk!
The beautiful picture I took is lovely, but with ex-drunks....the outside picture does not always tell the story!
I have had bouts of boredom,loneliness and feeling down and have fought hard to get positive, but as I said before I can not think positive and be ok, I must act positive and on the whole I have not been successful this last 3 weeks!
I will not give myself a hard time and tell myself I failed....because I tried and more important than anything I am sober....
On the positive side I got to see the view in the picture and I was sober doing so and could appreciate it. I got to start new relationships with new work colleagues....some good and some I will need to work on.
I will get to a few meetings, pass the message and continue to recover!!!

In with the beer crowd....

2010-03-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

Another day is coming to a close here in the delightful town of Snekkersten,Copenhagen....well it's delightful to some people?
Quite an eventful day so far and relatively busy, which does not give my head too much time to play games with me....being away from sober minded people for so long can have some drawbacks....I am not saying I will get drunk, but my head starts to play games and then I become more selfish,self centered,ego driven etc...
I have to pass on the recovery message as often as I can to others in the right environment, which is why I go to those meetings....
Tonight they have a beer tasting session as some of the guys made there own beer for team building...will I go along...not sure, possibly and even probably as it would be polite and in with the team spirit....but if for one minute I felt spiritually unfit then I would not go!
I should be able to do anything if I am spiritually fit, apart from drink that is, and that includes going to bars and discos if I want to.
The one thing for certain is when the beer drinkers start talking that strange language after one too many...I will have left as I can not understand what they saying, so no need for me to try!

Meetings....

2010-03-01T22:50:00.000-08:00

Last night was quite late as Chairman of the company came to give talk to all of us on the course...1 and 1/2 hour meeting.....about the same time as one of the meetings I normally attend to help me keep sober!
Generally I try to go to 1 or 2 meetings a week, but have not been able to go for the last 3 weeks as I have been stuck here....does it affect my sobriety...probably in a small way, but because I can not get to a meeting, I can not use that as an excuse to drink!
I have been working in the oil drilling industry since 1996 and have generally worked 4 weeks on and 4 weeks off, so am used to living without meetings....and more importantly used to living with my head without meetings!
The oil industry is like many other industries and has its fair share of people with Alcohol problems, but it is often hidden behind the macho, tough environment in which they work...more of that later.
Life for me is about balance, something I never had when I was drinking. It is trying to balance work and home life and social life and into the equation sobriety has to be top of the list as without that I have nothing.
So today I am far more consistent than I was years ago....I consistently turn up for work, I consistently get up early and I am consistently still a pain in the arse!

Relationships....on a daily basis

2010-03-01T03:34:00.000-08:00

Well I was up early again this morning, albeit just for breakfast at the hotel and no visit to the gym!
Being away from home and in a working environment, this can be a time of the day to start off on the right or wrong foot in daily relationships.
One of my weakest points since getting sober has been my relationship side of my life. I am going through a divorce at present from a marriage I chose to end....so that shows some of my imperfections, maybe I will explain later.
In my work life I have always had a problem with Bosses...especially those I feel do not warrant the position and I struggle hard with the latter! I am slowly learning to show respect, but it is a long haul.
I think selfishness comes along hand in hand with illnesses like alcoholism and other addictions and sometimes it is hard work to change away from old behaviour! One thing I have learned is that I can not just talk about it, I must act on what the problem is....action they say is the magic word!

A bit about me.....

2010-02-28T00:44:00.000-08:00

As I said, I got sober in November 1988 and to say I have not looked back since would be a lie!
I was in considerable trouble at the time with financial, emotional, mental and physical problems...i.e I had no money, lots of debt,felt like crap, looked like crap and talked a lot of crap!!
As you can probably work out I did not drink too long, but long enough to do all that damage...8 years to be precise, with the first few weeks being ok :-)
I am not going to sit here and write my life story as that would be boring and repetitive, but hopefully I can link some of my past with my present and express my thoughts at where I am today...
Life can be hard, but life for a drunk can be hard and lonely and depressing and much more besides....thank god for sobriety!
I did join a fellowship of recovering ex drunks, but this blog is not about them or that fellowship, so I will not mention it by name. This blog is for you to get to know how life can change after sobriety, maybe for the better maybe for the worse....who knows!

Currently I am on a work related course in Snekkersten, Copenhagen, Denmark.
This morning I got up at 7.00am and went to the gym and the pool and sauna....age 46 I go into a sauna for the first time!
Today I love to get up early and not rush about as I used to...what a difference, get up and go to the pool rather than get up and go to the bottle....
Some people think we can think our way to a positive life, but my belief is action is more important.....
Enough for today, I am off to watch the football, in a bar of all places....yes it is ok to go into bars....as long as you are spiritually fit enough to do so....if not dont go!

China in November!

2010-02-27T13:56:00.000-08:00

Viv and I in China in November. We took part in the community dancing....for one dance!